Body Contact With Your Children
A friend of mine share with me this statistics:
The bonding you have with your children descends from 100% to 0% as they grow.
- 100% Body Contact - When they are infants, you have a 100% body contact. Mom and dad carry them in your arms. You can touch them, kiss them and caress them.
- 80% Body Contact - When they are around 12 to 15 months, they can walk on their own, they need less of you to hold. The percentage of body contact is descending as they grow older.
- 5% Body Contact - This is a stage you can still hold their hands with your palm and 5 fingers.
- 1% Contact Contact - You cannot touch them. You can only use 1 finger to point at them when they do what parents think are wrong.
- 0% Body Contact - Rebellious kids will not allow parents to point at them, and parents can only use their mouth to vent their anger at them. And they may ask parents to “Shut Up”
How can we spend precious time with our children? Read more.
Time with children is precious
My brother, Alex , made a comment on my blog a few days ago. He relayed a story “a moment of truth” about the time he spent with his son Jon. He said: ” I realised that often we think of spending quality time with our family or love ones… and forgot that quantity is just as important” .
I fully agree with Alex! I like to share the articles with all parents out there.
To feel loved, safe, and secure is fundamental to everyone, regardless of age. That is why we must ensure that we make time in our busy days to provide a special moment for each of our children and for ourselves.
“You don’t know how I feel and you don’t care”, “Leave me alone”, “Get out of my space”, “I don’t need you”.
If you have ever heard these kinds of comments from your children then perhaps it’s time to stand back and look at what is happening between you and your family.
How do we address everyone’s needs, including our own? How do we deal with the specific needs of our children without sacrificing our own sanity?
Who or what comes first? Your career? Your family? Your partner? Your health?
Step one is to admit that we are not guilty of a crime by acknowledging that we are not perfect.
So the house is not picture perfect. All the washing and ironing isn’t done! Does that matter more than whether you have spent time to have a hug? Spent time to check homework is being done? Spent time to find out if there is a special event coming up one you should attend? It’s all about priorities.
You don’t necessarily have to put them in a definitive order. All can be balanced if you have the right attitude and perhaps a little professional help.
Have you ever asked your children what they expect of you? Ever told them what you expect of them? Do you even know what your expectations are? An assessment of the way each family member treats the others might create a more harmonious household.
Be honest with yourself, your partner and your children. Admit your own shortcomings without denigrating yourself.
The need to know what is expected of them is important for all children. Depending on the age of the child, expectations should be clearly outlined in language that is positive. Give them the kinds of parameters that say, “you can do ‘this’ but ‘that’ is not acceptable.”
Many times teenagers have told me, “My parents let me do what I want. They don’t care.” The child interprets this permissive attitude as, “If they don’t care, they don’t love me enough.”
Most parents do love their children but may not know how to show it in a way that the child understands.
Children of all ages need some time when they can have their parents’ undivided attention. For busy people it could mean scheduling family time into your diary. It also means scheduling time for each child individually and sticking to it. Quite simply, you must make time for your family they need you now.
Families need to spend meaningful time together. This does not mean just being in the same vicinity, but it does mean doing simple things like cooking the family meal together, or going to places that create opportunities to interact in such a way that honest communication can occur.
These should be the times when children feel relaxed and free to express themselves without interruption and be listened to. Time in front of the TV or going to a movie does not provide these opportunities.
When children feel that they have to vie for their parents’ attention, the results are often disastrous. The undivided attention of a parent is important to a child but not always a top priority for a busy parent.
The intention of the schedules and reminder notes is not to ‘force’ the family into routine that suits you. It is, rather, an attempt to establish patterns of behaviour (yours and your children’s) that benefit the whole family and to create a peaceful atmosphere where everyone feels loved and valued.
Here are some tips that may help to show your children that you really do care about them:
Take time to listen to your children without interruption. For little ones, get down to their level, perhaps kneel or sit with them. They will appreciate your undivided attention.
Ask your children how they would like to spend time with you. Be prepared to participate in what is important to them even if it is an activity that you would not choose yourself.
Observe your children do they respond to a hug; a quick back rub; cooking in the kitchen with you; a small, thoughtful, inexpensive gift; or genuine encouragement and praise? What do they enjoy and respond to most?
Take the time to read to your children
Care enough to say ‘no’- unreasonable requests and behaviour are not acceptable. Children and teenagers should be aware of consequences for unacceptable behaviour.
Take every opportunity to do things with your children rather than being an observer from the side lines
Plan special occasions. When planning a family event ask your children for their input. Give them plenty of choice and notice. Forcing them to attend a family event or an event they are not interested in is not a good start.
Children and teenagers should be part of family gatherings. These gatherings help provide them a sense of belonging, responsibility and acceptance, and tolerance for others.
Be consistent and fair - try to cater for everyone’s needs, including your own. What does not happen for one child this week may be planned for the following week.
Put aside time plan it and make it a regular part of your family routine
Consider regular family meetings. These are a good time to discover what is, and what is not, working in your family. Prepare guidelines for these meetings in advance.
By John Hacking
About the author:
Renewal Life Solutions specialises in parent effectiveness training
Communicating with your child - we don’t talk any more
Parents and their children sometimes get caught up in a vicious cycle. It does not, as many would believe, always begin in the teenage years. It can happen at any time but it is likely to accelerate in the teenage years if a pattern has already begun.
There are a myriad of reasons for children to become angry, hurt, insecure or rebellious and it can be difficult to find out why. Effective communication with children is an art that can be learned.
How to communicate with your child
Do you find that that you are constantly repeating your instructions to your children? Children tend listen to the first few words and then switch off. For example, if you say to your child, ‘you are grounded because…’ the first three words are most likely to be only the ones that are heard. Communication with children should be brief and as positive as possible. Those first words in a conversation are very precious, choose them wisely.
Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a branch of psychology. Practitioners will tell you that the human brain cannot process negative language. If you were asked to close your eyes and not think about a pink elephant (please take a moment and give it a try) you would find it impossible to comply, especially if this request was repeated. The same applies to a child or anyone else for that matter. ‘Don’t run across the road’ is processed in the brain as ‘run across the road’, exactly the opposite to your intended instruction. The way to get your child to hear what you want is to state it in a positive way. “Look both ways then walk across the road when it is clear,” is more likely to get the message across.
Ian Lillico a high school principal from Western Australia travelled the globe studying the needs of boys. In his findings for the Churchill Fellowship in 2000, one of the 52 recommendations is that boys do better if you talk with them when they are actively engaged in an activity. He encourages people to actively spend time doing things with boys and they will be more likely to open up and tell you what is going on in their lives or what is troubling them.
Children wear a kind of mask at school in an attempt to conform to their peers. It is important that when you try to communicate with your child that you give them some time to take this mask off first. If your child comes home angry from school, encourage them to work off some of the anger through physical activity, especially if your child is a boy. A calmer person without a mask is more likely to communicate the real source of their anger to you.
Most girls talk more easily about what is important to them than boys do. Even as adults, men tend to talk with their mates about sport rather than personal issues whereas women freely talk about such issues with their friends.
How children access and process information
To complicate matters further, we all access and process information differently. In NLP this is called the Representation System. Everyone has a primary, and possibly a secondary, representational system and we all use some of these systems at varying times.
Some of us are very visual and need to see things to understand. Language such as ‘I see’, ‘I get the picture’, ‘it is clear cut’ may give you an idea of this kind of person.
Kinaesthetic people access information through their feelings and by doing things. These people may say ‘that feels right’, ‘I have this gut feeling’ or ‘I get the drift.
Then there are the auditory people who may say ‘It is as clear as a bell’ or ‘I hear you’. These people often talk to themselves to process information.
There is a further category of auditory digital people. They say things like, ‘Give me some time to process that’. These people can appear not to be listening but they hear you perfectly. Sometimes all you need to do is plant the seed of an idea with them and they will begin to think about it.
If you are an auditory person expressing yourself through words and your child is kinaesthetic, they will want and need activity. They may well be feeling that you are ‘nagging’ and keeping them from doing what they want to do. You are talking in what is like a foreign language to them. Changing some of your language to match your child’s method of understanding may well be the solution. It can be that easy.
Does your child really know that you love them?
People communicate and feel love in different ways. In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman describes the Love Language categories as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. As Chapman describes it, people usually need an element of each to fill their ‘love tanks’.
We tend to show our love in the way in which we would like to see it expressed to us. It may be very useful to experiment and observe your children to determine what they perceive as being most important for them. By being able to communicate to your child in a way that is important to their sense of feeling loved, you will help build their internal security, understanding and sense of wellbeing.
All of these suggested forms of communication, though far from being complete, may give the parent an idea that communication as we know it is not as uncomplicated was we would originally assume. Effective communication requires a willingness to listen, honesty and openness but most of all it requires practice and a willingness to learn.
By John Hacking
Parenting Tips: 7 questions to ask yourself to see whether you really listen to your child
Even though talking to our children is really important, because that is how they learn, we need to be particularly mindful that we are also listening from their point of view. This is so important, because not only does it help develop their language and cognitive skills, but it is a wonderful way for our children’s self-esteem to grow because they are being heard. Listening deeply to your child is one essential way to have a close and connected relationship with them.
To ensure that you are truly listening to your child ask yourself these seven questions:
1. Do you spend more time talking to your child rather than listening?
2. Do you finish their sentences for them?
3. Do you interrupt?
4. Do you plan what you are going to say before your child has finished?
5. Do you give your child the answer or solution rather than let them work it out for themselves?
6. Do you ask your child closed or open ended questions?
(Closed questions are ones to which you can answer a simple yes or no. Open ended questions do what they say – they open up the conversation.)
7. Do you ask yourself at the end of every day: “Have I really listened to my child today?”
If your answers to these questions have left you thinking that you need to listen to your children more, what a great step you are now able to take to ensure a loving closeness with your children and what an opportunity you will give them to boost their self-esteem. Their opinions and ideas will be heard and they will very much be a part of your family’s decision making. Such a gift you will give!
If your answers to these questions left you thinking that you do listen to your children well – congratulations – you are giving your children a great start as they are able to express their feelings and thoughts and contribute to family discussion.
The bottom line is that listening deeply to our children is so important and once we as parents are aware of that, we can listen with our lips shut and with our hearts, to give our kids every opportunity to express who they really are
Getting Your Kids to talk
School has started. All over the country, one can hear wailings of grief over the end of summer or whoops of joy as kids go back to school. (My girls are whooping; I’m wailing a bit.) I was a little apprehensive about my older daughter starting middle school, as was she, but the entire week went off without a hitch. Now we’re looking at the end of our first week with relief (it could have been a nightmare if Kathryn hadn’t adjusted well) and excitement (we can’t help but be excited for Kathryn in this new journey of hers).
We’re able to feel this relief and excitement mostly because Kathryn has openly shared with us many details of her first week at school. As a matter of fact, Monday went something like this.
Kathryn: “Mommy, can I tell you all about school?”
Me: “Sure, sweetie!”
Kathryn: “Well, I’m going to start at the beginning and go in order. First, we got on the bus, and the bus driver was very nice. Kate and I sat together. There were a lot of people on the bus. Then, we got to school, and….”
And so it went. We got the complete low-down about school, her classes, her locker (oh-so important!), riding home on the bus with the mean eighth graders, homework, her binder, all the information she brought home, her teachers, and all the many, many details of her new life as a middle schooler.
Now I know we’re lucky. Some kids won’t offer any information about their days. Even when asked direct questions, some kids will only give yes or no answers or the shortest possible response. They just don’t want to talk, yet we as parents really need to know what’s going on in their lives. Here are a few tips for those silent schoolgoers.
–> Tell stories of your own childhood from the similar time frame of your child’s age. Share happy stories, stories where other kids were mean, stories of challenges in the classroom, and anything else you can think of. The goal is to share something about yourself and make it about you. That way, you’re talking about you, and your kids can safely participate. You aren’t talking about them, and they feel free to express their opinions. Then later on, they may be able to share their own stories with you.
–> Play the “what’s the best/worst thing that happened to you today” game. Everyone goes around the table (or car, or living room) and shares the best and worst thing about his/her day. Not only do you get some additional information, but your kids get to see you as a real person with real things going on in your real life.
–> Be aware of what’s going on in your kids’ lives at school. Be familiar with classes they’re taking, books they’re reading, activities they’re in, friends they see, teachers they have, and projects they’re working on. The more you know about their lives, the more you can be up to speed, ask questions, and be able to participate intelligently when they actually do speak to you.
–> Be available. When your child (preschooler or high schooler) does finally open up, listen. If you’re busy doing something else and only paying half attention, why would he continue to talk to you? Give him your attention (although you may need to be nonchalant and try to get rid of that hungry “he’s finally talking to me!” look on your face).
–> Hear what your kids are saying to you. Don’t try to turn it into a lesson (”Now what have we learned from this, class?”) or a morality tale. If you do, then they’ll only come to you when they need a lesson or a moral. How often does that happen?
–> Change the subject. Don’t talk about school. Talk about the song that’s playing on the radio (or iTunes for those of who have older kids). Go over the plans for the weekend. Discuss what to make for dinner. The more your kids get used to you talking to them about all sorts of things, the more they’ll be ready to talk about school.
–> Finally, include your kids in your activities. There are ways to include even the little ones. Cook dinner together. Ask your three-year-old which kind of rolls to buy at the grocery store. Let your teenager pick out the kind of flowers you’re going to plant in the front yard.
There’s more to getting your child to talk about school than just, “How was school today?” The goal is to get her to open up, trust you, and talk to you. Whether you’re whooping or wailing about the start of school, perhaps you can at least celebrate the start of conversation with your kids.
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The Teenage Twilight Zone
I was shocked to learn recently that nearly all of my daughter’s friends are on bad terms with their parents. Out of a collection of around twenty teenagers, only two were happy to spend time with their parents, most preferring to avoid family interaction altogether.
This is a sad indictment of the parents, in my view. Teenagers by definition are self centred, aggravating creatures with inbuilt radar for avoiding household chores and a mysterious ability to disrupt the family home from the cellar to the attic for most of the interim years between the age of 12 and 19. This, however, is not a good enough reason to give up on them.
I learned early in my daughter’s teens that, in spite of being completely unable to keep her room even moderately clean and tidy, she had a reputation amongst other families for being an organised washer of dishes, an unstoppable whiz with a vacuum cleaner, and an asset in the kitchen. At first, I thought they must be talking about someone else’s child, but no. It really was my little horror they were talking about.
Why is it that these kids can perform so beautifully in another environment but not at home? I could quite truthfully swear that my daughter has never been bullied into doing anything she did not want to do, so the Cinderella theory is out the door.
Perhaps she just likes these other people better, you say to yourself, hoping it is not the case, of course. In actual fact, that has nothing to do with it. I believe now that it is only a case of wishing to achieve somewhere that is unfamiliar, with someone who is unaware that, at home your room resembles the Somme.
There is an element of make believe in the matter, I must add. These kids do not see themselves as a problem; they see themselves still as your little girl, your best buddy, almost as though they imagine such things as being responsible and careful with pocket money, keeping your room clean, helping with the chores, all apply to someone else. Threats to punish all these insurrections only lead to a greater problem, I discovered; conflict and resentment sparking a deeper unhappiness not worth the sacrifice of getting the floors vacuumed or the windows cleaned.
Another very curious feature of teenage behaviour is that children who have been raised from a very early age to be helpful and responsible, polite and supportive, will go off the tracks as quickly as a child who has been ruined rotten and never taught any standards whatever! Most unfair – it makes you wonder why you bothered!
My experiences have mostly been of girls but I have been assured by friends that their boys are just as worrying, turning laconic, lazy and sullen.
It is true, though, that at some stage in their early twenties, these kids reform. The reformation is as mysterious as the departure from authority in the first place; it just happens, rather like Santa Clause. Just be grateful and try not to analyse things too closely. They all come home in the end – you just have to be patient until they do.
Jan Gamm writes reflections on life with an emphasis on world travel. She has lived in many countries and traveled extensively in the Far East, the Middle East, America, South America and throughout the South Pacific. She writes for fun and for money whenever she can manage it.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jan_Gamm
Parenting - Teenage Discipline Requires A Sense Of Objectivity
Some aspects of parenting are relatively easy, while others present us with more of a challenge. One area which often causes parents some difficulty is that of discipline and, in particular, teenage discipline.
As adults we are familiar with the concept of punishment and accept that poor performance or bad behavior frequently results in our being punished. If you don’t study for your professional examination then your poor performance in your exam is punished by awarding you a low score. If you don’t perform well at work you’re punished with delayed promotion or the withholding of an anticipated pay rise. If you’re found drunk and disorderly in a public place you’ll probably be punished by spending a night in a police cell and receiving a fine from the local court.
In simple terms, punishment is nothing more than one side of the justice equation and the purpose of justice is to carefully weight the facts of a case and then to render a fair judgment and, where necessary, to hand down an appropriate punishment.
Just as we have learnt through our own experience that every action has consequences and that these can sometimes be unpleasant or painful, our children also need to learn this lesson. But teaching them this lesson is not always easy and this is especially true when it comes to dealing with teenagers.
Before you can attempt to handle this thorny problem you have to realize that it will take considerably objectivity on your part, as well as a good sense of proportion. Just as our courts have to make an effort to separate out fact from fiction to get to the truth and then respond appropriately, so we as parents have to operate in much the same fashion when it comes to disciplining our children.
Let’s look at an example.
Your sixteen year old son comes home later than agreed having spent the evening with friends and this sparks a heated argument in the lounge which ends in your son announcing that he’s going to get himself something to eat. A moment later you hear a loud crash coming from the kitchen and entering the room you find a broken platter and the leftover turkey spread across the kitchen floor and your son banging his fist on the kitchen counter and swearing loudly. How should you react?
The problem here is that you didn’t actually see what happened and there are several possible explanations for the scene in front of you. However, you and your son are already angry with each other and your natural reaction is to respond based on that fact.
On the one hand, it is possible that your son took the platter out of the fridge and, in an expression of his anger, deliberately smashed it on the floor. On the other hand, it is possible that, because he was distracted by your recent argument and wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing, the platter slipped out of his hand as he was taking it from the refrigerator. It is also possible that, as he was setting the platter down on the counter, he accidentally brushed his arm up against the hot kettle, which you had boiled just a few minutes earlier to make yourself a cup of coffee, and that the platter had been knocked to the floor when he instinctively pulled away from the kettle.
The danger is that if don’t establish just what happened before you react you may well take the wrong action and make an already difficult situation even worse. The secret is to remain objective, discover exactly what happened and then act appropriately. So, start by taking a deep breath and a moment to compose yourself and then simply ask your son calmly and quietly what happened.
Let’s look at two possible scenarios.
The first is that your son brushed against the hot kettle. Here an appropriate response might be to make sure that he hasn’t injured himself requiring medical treatment, to help him clear up the mess and get something to eat and then allow him to go to bed. This will calm the situation and give both of you a bit of breathing space allowing you to sort out the problem which sparked the original argument the following day when you’ve both had time to consider the situation.
The second is that your son deliberately threw the platter on the floor. Now tempers are already high and you’re certainly not going to get anywhere by pouring more fuel on the fire. Possibly the best answer here is to tell your son, again quietly and calmly, to clear up the mess and go to bed and then to leave the kitchen before he has a chance to respond and start the argument up again.
At this point he may or may not clear up the mess and a common trap to fall into is that of focusing you attention on this as the main issue. It would be all too easy at this point to turn the mess in the kitchen into a battleground and to make a stand in order to assert your authority. The broken platter is not however the main issue and, at this point, it’s not really important whether he clears up the mess or not. If he does then that’s fine but, if he doesn’t, then simply wait for him to go to bed and clear up the mess yourself. The following morning when you’ve both calmed down and had a chance to sleep on things you can then deal with both the original argument and the broken platter.
By remaining object and taking the time to both find out exactly what has happened and to consider an appropriate response your son will benefit in two ways. First, he will receive a punishment that is appropriate to the action he has taken and second he will learn that it is possible to deal with situations maturely and with self-control even when emotions are running high.
Parenting4Dummies.com covers a wide range of topics and provides advice on child parenting, tips on only child parenting, tips for parenting teenagers, step parenting, and divorced parenting.
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